WARNING: This article may not be for everyone to read due to SUICIDAL IDEATION and SELF–HARM
I had taken half a bottle of Benadryl and all 8 of the Xanax. I made sure that both of my doors were locked and I even placed security bars at my door to possibly stop any police or EMS, if possible. I was confused. I wanted to see my Mom and Dad at this point. I needed to talk to them because no one else would do. I was obsessed with the thought. I told no one this because I knew that they would never understand. I laid down in my bed and my dog laid down beside me. This is what I remember happening in the hours afterward…
Psalm: 34:18 The Lord is near the brokenhearted; he saves those crushed in spirit.
When laying in my bed to left of me was a small window and to the left of the window, which would be close to the head of the bed was a portrait of a lion, which represented the Lion of Judah. From the very first time I ever saw it I felt drawn to it but did not purchase it until I moved into the “ratville” apartment. Most of you won’t believe all that I tell you next, and that is ok. I think you have to, 1. Have known me for a very long time and trust me, 2. Know and trust God completely, or 3. Have been in a similar or one close to death situation to understand this. There have been 2 times in my life that I feel like the Lord has brought me to the brink of death and brought me back just to share His glory, and that is what this is about. First and foremost I would like to tell you that I have never used any Hallucinogenics, so I do not know what that is like. When I was a teen and in my early 20’s I did dabble in Alcohol.
After I took the Benadryl and Xanax, and I lay down, nothing immediately happened because medication doesn’t work that fast when taken by mouth, even if you take it in abundance. I turned my TV on and was watching some music videos on YouTube. Shortly, I felt myself getting very sleepy but for some reason I was fighting this, and suddenly I was frightened about what I had done, but it was already done. I started praying and asking God to forgive me, and that I only wanted to see my parents and talk to them. My best friend called at some point to talk with me and I explained to her that I was tired and we hung up. I am not sure how much time had passed by, but I started seeing and feeling spiders. These were very large spiders, and I was trying to kill them but the more I killed the more there were. There were spiders on the ceiling, on the floor and in the bed. I was screaming and crying; however, I am not sure if this was out loud or in my mind. I am not sure how long the spiders hallucinations lasted, but after that, I could feel myself very weak. The medical professional in me decided I wanted to know what my blood pressure was. End of life blood pressure is when it drops very low and the systolic (the top number) and the diastolic (the bottom number) come close together until they meet when your heart stops beating. Now, why at this time was I worried about my blood pressure? The whole point of this was for me to pass away, so why should I be concerned suddenly about my blood pressure? As I was trying to get to the blood pressure cuff, my legs and lower body was in a paralysis state. When I got the blood pressure cuff and pulled myself back to my bed, it wouldn’t work, or I couldn’t make it work. I mentioned earlier that I had a portrait that hung to the left side at the head of my bed, and when I looked over at it I could see that a single tear was coming from the lions eye. I only saw one single tear. I immediately asked the Lord to forgive me for trying to take my life. I looked from the portrait to the small window and I saw them. In their natural state, in their normal clothes, there, in my window were my parents. They were off in a distance, but I could tell it was them because they looked liked themselves before either of them became sick with cancer, and they were wearing significant pieces of clothing that I recognized as being theirs. After I saw my parents I must have went to sleep because the next thing I know it’s Monday morning and my co-worker is calling. I think its Sunday, so I ignore the phone, but she keeps calling. I finally answer. She asks where I am, and I have to tell her that I have taken all of this medicine, but they misunderstand what I am saying and just tell me to rest. By the Grace of God, I wake up Tuesday morning in March of 2022, and I can still feel some of the effects of the Benadryl and the Xanax. I show up at work, but on my way the Pharmacy that I work for calls me and tells me that they really can’t use me anymore. I secretly thanked God for that. When I get to work the doctor that I work with and the office manager take me into the office manager’s office; honestly I thought they were about to fire me too, but they asked me what happened and when I told them, they lovingly loaded me up and took me to the emergency room. My office manager called my daughter and told her what was going on and she came to the ER. This was very difficult for me because I knew that I was about to be committed, and I was not going to be happy. I actually tried to run away from the hospital, but they sent the police after me. After that, an officer sits in your room with you. After my week commitment was done, my best friend decided that maybe I needed to be in a safe place for a while and that “ratville” was not the place.
This is going to touch some of you in different ways. I know that I didn’t actually see the Lion of Judah on my wall cry, but He was crying at what I had done because God wants all that He has created to know love and be loved. Sometimes we forget where that love comes from. Sometimes we all lose our way. I also know that I did not actually see and speak to my parents in the window of my room. What I know is that the God of the Universe, the one that created all things, saw fit to let me live, let me rest, let me see my parents all while I took a wrong turn. He also managed to grant me a safe home not only with people who love me, but with one of my best friends. That is how I end up at my best friend’s house. Getting sick was what prompted me to stay.
1 John 4: 8. The one who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
Proverbs 27: 17 Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another.
In 2022 the CDC reported:
49,000 people died by suicide, that is 1 person every 11 minutes
1.6 million people attempted suicide
The average is 4x higher in males than females
In the State of Texas (where I am from) there were 4,368 deaths by suicide in 2022.
