I have always considered myself an independent person. A person who could handle most things that she needed to on her own. My parents raised me into that way of thinking. Most of my adult life I worked two jobs to make sure there was enough money for me and my daughter so that I didn’t have to rely on any individual for monetary funds, but if I was ever in a bind I went to my Mom, when she was alive, and we would work the situation out. What happens when your go-to person is no longer there? Who is it that you find you can depend on in your time of need? Oftentimes, people find that question difficult to answer. Who is it that knows you so personally that you don’t have to open your mouth to tell Him what is wrong, but you should?
Psalms 139:13 For it was you who created my inward parts, you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I was really lost in several areas of my life after my Mom passed away. Mom was who I studied the Bible with and who I had went to church with most of my life, even though I was 45 when she went to be with the Lord. We were definitely co-dependent. Our co-dependency came from the way my Father treated her and me when he was alive. Even when I was married, I depended more on my Mom than I did my spouse, except my first husband, which is the only reason we stayed together as long as we did. I found when Mom passed away that I still loved and knew the Lord, but my way of understanding Him may have passed away with my Mom. Up until that time, she was one out of only two people that I trusted and the Lord was not in that list. Yes, I believe that you can be saved and not fully trust the Lord. I don’t think your relationship with the Lord works very well, but this does happen and more often than not. When my co-dependency with my Mom was broken at 45 years old, it was finally up to me to make my own relationships. I don’t blame my Mom for this; I don’t blame my Father for this. This is something that happened. This is also something that the Lord fixed. This is where loyalty comes in. The Lord is always loyal, but I, as a co-dependent person, was being loyal to my Mom, and my relationship with her was stronger than my relationship with the Lord. I found that I was was seeing the Lord through Mom’s eyes most of the time. Trust me when I say, that it wasn’t necessarily bad, but I needed a personal relationship with our Lord and Saviour. Everyone needs to have their own personal relationship with Christ.
It is taught better in churches now how to have a personal relationship with the Lord, but when I was growing up we received the “Hellfire and Brimstone” relationship teaching. That is absolutely nothing against the pastor that I had as a child because I loved him and his wife. “Hellfire and Brimstone” does not really teach you about a loving, caring Christ. It is a basic teaching about salvation and hell. It teaches you to know God as someone that is not as approachable, but that did send His Son to die on the Cross to save us and if we don’t follow all the rules correctly we will burn in hell. It teaches very little about grace and God’s love for us.
Having a personal relationship with God is so much different. Yes, you still need to know about hell because it is real. Yes, you still need to follow the rules, but God’s grace and love for us are just as important. In a having a personal relationship with the Lord, you don’t have to feel that tension when you sin that you are in trouble. After I finally found my personal relationship with Christ, I didn’t feel that every time I slipped up I was hanging over hell waiting for God to toss me in.
I can tell you how I came to my personal relationship with Christ. After Mom died, I had to start looking at things for myself. When my Mom was alive, when I had a question, I would go to her. Especially if it was a question about God. I had lived with my Mom for many years after my first husband and I divorced, and then I decided to move back to my hometown area. My Mom didn’t want to move to that area again, so we ended up being about 2 hours apart. This was in 2013. This was a long way for me at the time and a very big adjustment for us both. I think it was in 2014 when my Mom moved to Stanton, Texas with my oldest brother, and lived there until she passed away. That was an 8 hour drive on a good day, so I only saw her once a year after she moved. After Mom and I had such distance between us it was harder for us to bible study together. I would definitely still called and ask her questions that I had, and we would discuss things over the phone. We also found a new way to study that helped me start forming my own personal opinions about Jesus. My Mom would read a book, and she would take notes in the book or highlight certain things that she found interesting, and then she would mail the book to me to read, and I would do the same thing. Then I would call her, and we would discuss the book. Then I would find a book, and we would do the same thing. Mom and I read many Max Lucado books this way. I loved to write when I was a kid, but my Dad didn’t take too well to me writing he called it, “ wasting paper”. This must have been a non-reader point of view, to think that writing was a waste of paper. I found that if I wrote Bible verses out and dissected them as I studied the Bible that I could get a better understanding. As I became more personal with learning the character of Lord, my prayers became more personal with the Lord and I felt that I could share more with Him. This is how my personal relationship with the Lord began. The more I studied and praised Him, the more I knew Him, the more personal our relationship became. The Book of James Chapter 4 verse 8a says, “Draw near to God and he will draw near to you”. God is waiting on us, we are not waiting on Him. God only asks us to accept and to love what He offers; He does the giving. God does much more of the work in the relationship than we will ever do. Why is it so hard for us to accept? I was so blessed in my life. I had a wonderful Christian Mom who prayed for me everyday. She showed me who the Lord was through her eyes, then when the time came, she also knew how to show me the way to a personal relationship with Him before she passed away. I was truly blessed because not everyone has that. Not only that, but the Lord has sent me various others along the way.
What holds you back? Nothing I hope.
Psalms 139: 14 I will praise you because I have been remarkably and wondrously made.Your works are wondrous, and I know this well.
Psalms 139:1-2 Lord, you have searched me and known me. You know when I sit down and when I stand up; you understand my thoughts from far away.
